In the 9th grade I broke up with the only real boyfriend I’ve ever had, he was heartbroken. Until he fell in love with another girl and subsequently cut me out of his life. So then I was heartbroken, I spent the next year and a half seriously messed up because for the first time I was really hit with insecurity. His new girlfriend was everything I could never be and he loved her for that (while at the same time hating me on her behalf). That’s when it started I think, my irrational fear of being a second choice and my downward spiral into single misery. Let me explain further.
Around the 11th grade I fell in love with my best friend. He was everything to me and I knew that I could see us fitting well together. But I spent the next two years denying to everyone that I had feelings for him, because I figured that if he had wanted to be with me he would’ve (and because I was scared of his rejection). But he didn’t choose me. Instead, a year later he started dating my best friend and I felt everything fall apart once again. So here I am, 18 years old and the only experience I’ve had with boys is being picked second. I was the “almost” girl, and I let that define me as I went into college.
That brings me to the more current years.
My year and a half of college has left me with two “almost” relationships. The first was with a boy that lived on my freshman year floor, I fell hard and fast. In the span of four weeks we fell in and out of a relationship. He had an ex-girlfriend at home and he chose to be with her over me (I later found out she was pregnant but that’s another story for another time). But my obsession with finding a boyfriend still wasn’t gone, I was still searching for the boy who would come into my life and make all those old “almost” relationships not matter anymore.
And sooner or later I thought that I had found him. He came into my life like a rushing train and in a number of weeks I was head over heels for him, and thought that he was head over heels for me. But he would always tell me things like “I really like you but I just don’t want a relationship right now”. I agreed (which was a lie) because I had this hope deep down inside of me that somehow we were supposed to work out, that eventually he would realize that he wanted to date me. He was “it” for me; he fit the bill and I let myself build him up into this perfect person that I needed to want me back. I was so driven by desire for him that I let him toy with my emotions for 7 months (give or take). In those seven months he ended things with me twice…..in order to get into a relationship with two different girls.
At this point all of you are probably sensing the fact that I am indeed damaged. And you would be right, I’m kinda messed up. I’ve let all four of the before mentioned boys define my life, thoughts, feelings, and self perception for the last five and a half years. And in-between all of them (despite my heartbreak) I still devoted all of my energy to finding a boyfriend, because I convinced myself that that would be the one thing that would make me happy.
But yaknow what, that’s bullshit.
I know plenty of girls who have had plenty of boyfriends over their lives and what I’ve come to realize is that even though those girls may seem to have more “success” than me it doesn’t mean that they truly know who they are, or that they’re truly happy.
I don’t want to spend every second of my life concerned about what boys are thinking about me anymore. I’m better than that.
I need to take time to devote to myself. I need to figure out who I am and what I want as an individual before I think about adding someone else to my plate.
Because I’m not looking for a stupid, superficial relationship with someone that I can mess around with for a few months. No, what I want is a real relationship. A strong relationship that has a potential for a future. Girls who don’t know who they are don’t find relationships like that.
So I’m done looking for that boy that will finally make me feel like a first choice. He’ll come eventually, probably when I’m ready for him, probably once I’ve had enough time to figure myself out.
Someone once told me that single people shouldn’t take being single for granted because when you look at your entire life you’ll probably spend a lot less time being single than you will be being married or in a relationship. I mean think about it, there are couples that have been married for 40, 50, 60 years! That’s 40 years of no longer being able to only think about yourself. That’s 40 years of spending your life dedicated to one person.
I can wait a little bit longer for those 40 years to start.
So I’m done caring about being in a relationship. I’m embracing being single and I’m going to enjoy this short time of getting to really only think about me.
Being single isn’t a burden, it’s an opportunity.
An opportunity to mend my heart of its previous breaks and fix the emotional damage. An opportunity for me to make myself happy. An opportunity to really grow into a person that someone will want to love.
From me for you,